Adult-FanFiction.org : YuYu Hakusho

Reviews for Beaten

By : saraiyu

From saraiyu on June 21, 2007
Hmmmmmmmmmm.....I see there are quite a few pissed off people. Fortunately for those of you who do not like this story, no one is forcing you to read it. I find flames amusing. I do realize Kurama is not a weak little bitch or someone's punching bag. Bottom line is, if you don't like this story, stop reading it. There are people who do like it, and I will not stop writing it just for the few who don't. Flame me all you want, I don't really care. I actually find them useful and I enjoy reading the opinions of others. Thank you all for your opinions and have a lovely day.

Saraiyu
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From Vitkas on June 19, 2007
NO, Instead, let me revise my earlier comment. I'll give you an economy.

Kurama is NOT Shinji.

You are writing for the WRONG FANDOM.
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From Foxfairy on June 17, 2007
Dear I will be completely honest with you, you have taken a great couple and turned it into a horrible Facts Of Life rerun. You have Kurama for no apparent reason taking it like a simpering little bitch. You say you have a very good reason. Frankly I do not see any good explanation as to why he'd allow a human male to treat him in such a way. I think you wrote him exactly how you wanted him. And now that you have been called on the way you made him you are now saying there is an excuse as to why. Trying to cover up your own lack of vision and able to grasp a character's true nature. You completely fucked up the time line but then had the nerve to get miffed when someone called you on it. Anyone with the common sense of a gnat could figure out that even if Shiori had a boyfriend Kurama was rarely home throughout the whole series. I think the Queen lady explained it enough but she was polite about it. I won't try to give you help but ask that if you seriously intent on writing get your act together. Either post the right warnings and tags or don't insult the rest of us by posting this crap. Kurama is way OOC and it's horrible. He might love his mother but he did live as Youko for over a thousand years as the bandit. His reputation speaks for himself. Fishpole boy wet himself realizing who was in the ring with him. It is also shown that while Kurama might not be the strongest of the group he is the most callous and without mercy. Give what reason you can pull out of your ass but it would not justify what you did to his character. He would have taken care of the problem before letting himself get beat like a bitch. I didn't get past chapter one either before I wanted to hurl. I see a NC tag up. Please tell me you DID NOT have this human male rape Kurama. Sorry, Kurama wouldnt' let someone do that to him, not even for his mother. Humans have accidents and Kurama could slap him back. You say that your excuse wasn't the Reikai law, then why the hell would Genkai assume it was? I mean come on, its that he can't kill. so why the fuck would she assume Kurama was letting himself get treated that way because he wasn't allowed to kill a human? To stop the abuse even Genkai knows Kurama would just need to beat the man's ass to get it to stop. AH HA the truth was is that you were wanting us to see that as the reason why and got called on it. You saw that it was a lame excuse and are now trying to cover up your bad writing and characterization. You know Youko betrayed Yomi who was his partner without batting an eye. So we are suppose to believe that for some unknown reason he's letting himself be the boyfriend's punching bag???? Sorry if by chance he had to endure the first beating for a reason. that fucking bastard would have had an accident. Take this crap down and stop tainting the awesome couple that is Hiei and Kurama with this drabble of junk. And try watching the fucking anime. Next you'll have Kuwabara into the mix sucking off Yusuke when we all know he's very homophobic he'd rather fuck Genkai than another male. The old version at that. Stop making excuses and admit your fic sucks and stop replying on your reviews. trying to make your fic look to have lots of reviews this way don't cut it. All they gotta do is click on the first chapter to see what shit it is. Now, you can take this as a flame. Because if I had the power I'd burn it along with your pc just to spare the rest of the fanbase.
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From Marikalay on June 17, 2007
Looking forward to your next update.
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From Vitkas on June 17, 2007
I... Wait. Hold on.
You are telling me that Kurama, who has
1- Abnormal, superior to human strength
2- Super demon powers, and
3- Massive amounts of extra-perceptive intelligence,
Is getting his ass beat by his mother's HUMAN boyfriend? Honey, that's like saying Yuusuke could be beaten by Kuwabara's cat. That's just stupid. Sure, Kurama gets wailed on by other demons, but a human? Would normally just get a contemptuous "I am far superior to you, lowly peon" look. Not wimpering submission.

Read the manga again. Or watch the anime. You clearly missed something. If you want to write about a whiny, weak pretty boy, make up your own story with your ow characters.
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From YomisQueen on June 17, 2007
Yes, I'm back. But I wasn't trying to be rude just giving advice. Since you brought you are kind of messing with the time line and mentioned that they never said anything about whether or NOT Shiori had a boyfriend before she got married. You do need to post the warning, because you are stating something that couldn't have happened. Let's start when Kurama and Hiei first meet when Kurama is younger, Hiei stays long enough to kill the one demon, then resumes his search for Yukina. He didn't approach Kurama again until he wanted to steal the 3 dark artifacts, that's when he saw him again. Then as all YYH lovers know they got busted by Yusuke. Now, at this point Shiori could have been dating. But we have Yusuke winning the Genkai tournie to become her pupil which was give or take a 7 month time frame. The little bit of time after he busted the guys and the six months of training. Now, Kurama was put on probation b/c he helped Yusuke in the end BUT Hiei did not. Hiei was not released from the Reikai prison until six months of training passed and Yusuke got shoved into the Maze Castle case. Kurama and Hiei were told their slate would be cleaned with Reikai if they helped out. So up until they got ported down, only Kurama would have been in the human world. Then that gets done, but Hiei is restricted to the human world. Right after maze castle they get sent to rescue Yukina. Yusuke even complains he just got finished with the prior case, so not much time had passed. So it's unlikely that was more than a week or so. Then they save Yukina, then Mr. T invites them to the Dark T. Now once again we have free time on our hands, the two months that Yusuke trained But it shows them spending time training Kuwabara for it and training themselves. After the Dark T, only a month goes by until the Black chapter case opens. As soon as that happens we go into the 3 kings saga. Now, we have the problem of Kurama getting the invite from Yomi, he states that his mother got married before he went to the Makai. which wasn't long after Yusuke. so where in this tight timeline did Shiori not only have time to date a boyfriend she DIDN'T end up marrying and then meeting the man she did and date him long enough to get married. Much less Kurama and Hiei both having free time on their hands? So there is definitely a big time line miscaculation, so it needs to be tagged. And I wasn't saying you were bastardizing him, if you read that wrong. was just saying that if you had him a little OOC without the tag some people will flip. If you have a valid reason then understandable but that miscommunication probably came with the lack of detail. Most of us readers are probably looking and wondering WTH Kurama is thinking. Which I was, yes everyone has their weak moments. Though I love Kurama I will disagree that he isn't tough. Out of all the guys he gets the most bloody and torn. I'm not trying to argue just pointing out why you should tag the warning about it being a little off in the timeline or AU, and definitely some OOC. Some more details would probably fix the problem, even if it's just Kurama's thoughts. As to him thinking he has to endure it even if you don't want the reason known yet b/c of the plotline. It lets us know okay he has a reason, what could it be. Leave the reader in suspense as to why and hey Kurama just didn't decide to turn into my ex. I'll still complement you on your grammar though. just trying to help.
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From ShioriFoxiesMom on June 17, 2007
Yeah Hiei! I love it when he protects his fox. I'm glad Shiori believed Kurama and not that bastard. Update soon.
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From saraiyu on June 16, 2007
Thank you for your suggestion. I however, do not believe asking for readers for their opinion is in bad taste. I will not write this story according to what people tell me, I am just attempting to glean a few ideas for small things from the minds of those who enjoy reading this. If I know what they like or think about how this should go, I will better be able to write this tastefully. I suppose I should also warn everyone that I do have a reason for Kurama to be so OOC. It will present itself when I feel ready to show it. Kurama did not smack Kuroki around for a verrrrrrrrrrrry good reason, of which you will understand when I get to it. The Reikai law is just what Genkai assumed was the problem and what Kurama led her to believe, which is why it is the only explanation for it at the time. He does not wish to break his mother's heart is the second reason he gave, but he is hiding something. Also, I am not "bastardizing" Kurama in any way. I just want to show a vulnerable side to this character. Showing how tough Kurama is is not the point of this story. We all know he's tough, but everyone is vulnerable sometimes. We also do not know whether Shiori ever had a boyfriend before she married again, just because they did not say so in the series. I may be fudging the timeline slightly, but this is fanfiction, not a piece of literature intended to be published or anything as such. It is meant for fun.

I do not believe a co-author is necessary because I enjoy bouncing ideas off of many different people. I like hearing what other people have to say about the plotline because I rarely get their opinion about what should happen otherwise. Everyone needs help on occasion and I do enjoy hearing what they have to say.

I apologize if in this review I sound bitchy about your suggestions, because I'm really not trying to be. I want all feedback from everyone, not just the positive. I appreciated your review, so thank you for taking the time to tell me what you thought. And thank you for your suggestion about the detail. I sometimes forget that not everyone is thinking the same thing I am when I am reading it.
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From YomisQueen on June 14, 2007
Also, some friendly advice. You might want to try adding some detail to it, the first chapter that I read was almost all dialogue. I mean don't be long winded just a little detail so we get a better view of things, more on their feelings etc. And yes Shiori got married before Kurama went to the Makai, Kuwabara even attended the wedding. And that guy he liked along with his new stepbrother. So, the warnings and some details is just a few suggestions. This is in no way meant to be a flame believe me just advice. Like I said your grammar and everything is decent. I've seen some crap on this site that made me want to gouge my eyes out and wonder how a Dodo bird got into someone's office when they are supposed to be extinct. Keep up the good work though. One last thing if you need help with the plotline you might want to consider getting a co-author for help. Asking the readers for ideas is in bad taste. Suggestions on what pairing they like to see is great and all but the actual plotline and such, really need a co-author for that or think of it yourself, after all it's your story, it should go the way YOU want it to.
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From YomisQueen on June 14, 2007
Your actual writing is decent enough I will give you that. I've seen some really horrid attempts at grammar. But you might want to consider either tagging this as an AU or some serious OOC. Because the idea of this Kurama has my stomach wanting to cringe in fear. Not that the idea of him getting smacked around is all that appalling.It's that you have him getting beaten by a human male in the first chapter and the only excuse you have for him is the Reikai law. The Reikai law is that he can't KILL humans. There is no law saying he can't bitchslap the dude back. There is no law saying he has to be a doormat. So in this case you have him way OOC, even as him being Shuichi and not Youko. Even the softer form of him will not allow himself to be treated like that. He'd beat the guy's face in sorry. There would have to be a good reason for it, like a threat to his mother and even then Kurama wouldn't put up with it he might not be able to kill the dude but as they say accidents happen. And we all know men dont ask for directions, this poor boyfriend could accidently get lost in the Makai. Also there needs to be a warning about a change from the Canon. In the series Shiori didn't have a boyfriend, she was already married. Your story and it has potential, you just might want to really consider the warnings or you might get some nasty responses. I've seen people flaming others about bastardizing a character for less. Other than that keep up the good work.
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From VixenzxMasqueradex on June 13, 2007
Okay here is my brainstorm

when kurama gets home have shiori accuse him of trying to steal her bf. that the bf said that kurama was trying to suduce him and and ran away when he said no. next kurama defends himself and says he was beaten and raped and shiori askes to see the bruses that would be there and kurama cant show her becasue of his demon blood he heals fast and superfishal bruses go away quickly

have shiori torn about who to believe b/c she knows her son and wouldnt lie but she loves her bf who never raised his voice or a finger to her and with out the bruses to back up her sons story she doesnt know who to believe

throw in some angst and a kurama pitty party and a H/K lemon hot tender and steamy

thats about as far as i got
goodluck
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From Stacy on June 11, 2007
ok here is an idea. have kurama come home and have him start to tell his mom and then just before he gets to the rape part have the bastard boyfriend walk in. then the two guys can have a stare down and before kurama can say anything the bastard boyfriend says something like ' well i have to confess.....that kurama forced me to have sex with him'....words spoken...fight....then hiei comes in and saves the day!!
i wish i had a fire demon!!
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From saraiyu on June 10, 2007
Hello, reviewers. Thank you very much for all of your reviews. I could use some ideas for the next chapter, so if you have any, I would love to hear them!
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From Stacy on June 05, 2007
you should have seen my face when i saw you updated!!! i yelled "yes" and my son came into the room and said "yes what" i just told him that my fav story had new chapters added. you so rock!!!
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From Marikalay on May 24, 2007
The funny part is that I could totally see Genkai beating the crap out of that guy.
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