Adult-FanFiction.org : YuYu Hakusho

Reviews for Second Try

By : kle10

From ANON - Maria on August 29, 2011
Ohh!! I am glad that you've updated^^ I've only seen this story on FF.net so I didn't know about it being on here. I wonder what will happen when Karasu finds them? Or is nearby, I wonder what excuse he will use, and how Hiei will react to him^^ Please update soon!! Great chapter^^ I really Really like this story.
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From ANON - Vixen-of-Ice on May 23, 2011
ah, it is the same story! Yay! I'll have to start reading on here since you seem further along. It's coming along wonderfully btw... kinda want to slap Hiei but... he's so insanely in character I guess that's a good thing lol. Keep up the good work!
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From ANON - annetta sanguisi on March 29, 2010
come on! You can't leave it off there!!!! PLEASE WRITE MORE!!! I was getting interested and I was liking it and then it suddenly fucking stops and I'm like, "what the hell man!" Dude, finish the fic!!!!
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From RenegadeRaine on March 22, 2010
Lol that line about Hiei and Kurama having been training intently together was SO VERY Kuwabara. I love it!

I love all the imagery and back story that you're painting in this! I also love that you're not rushing it. So many fics I've ready lately seem to strive to just tell the story as fast as possible, but appreciate ones that unfold slowly like this, and I've only read the first 2 chapters lol.

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From BlueUtopiah on January 02, 2010
You know I'm adoring the Kanisawa(Karasu)/Kurama action in this, right? I adore those scenes, you've got the back and forth in Karasu's head and the back and forth between Karasu and Kurama. I also like how everyone else is in this and they're circling the main plot and getting closer and closer.

This is really engaging. I want to see more!
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From on December 05, 2009
I'm going to do for you what Adi always does for me, and give you a nice, long review, d'accord? It came out as largely concrit, but hey, hard as it is we can't improve if we don't know what we're doing wrong. I've received comments just like this, so I know exactly how scary it is, so keep this in mind: you're an awesome writer. Sometimes awesome writers have bad habits. It took Tolstoy 50 pages to move one artillery unit five meters forward, but he was still mo'fucken Tolstoy. You've got that firmly in head, right? Okay, on to the review!

Alright, a cool opening! Mad awesome poem, too; but Kita, we need to go over the usage of ellipses [...]. An ellipsis is only ever used in dialogue, and then, very rarely. It should never, under any circumstances, be ending a paragraph. Luckily that's easily fixed, just put a period or sommat where the ellipsis is. Also, an ellipsis denotes a long, exaggerated trail off and pause, not a slight one. If every dialogue is prefaced by it then it's as if there's huge, exaggerated pauses before every word spoken. Dialogue is a tricksy little hobbit like that, you have to keep in mind both what sounds good and what looks good. You've got what looks good down pat, but try saying your dialogue out loud and you'll see what I mean.

I am more than willing to offer my services as a beta, by the way, should you ever desire it.

Alright, grammar/dialogue wrap up. He could still see the sunlight playing against the outline of that small, dark figure. It was dawn�the sky was touched with the strangest shade of soft pink, lines of fiery gold splayed like fine brushstrokes over the clouds gathered overhead. It was about to snow. That's such a beautiful image! Egads! Your description is lovely. There are parts you should probably rein it in, but a lot of it is like this, very pretty and lyrical prose. I love it. Cool psychology in this chapter, too, very cool, and all drawn very neatly. I love the thought you've put into each character's reactions, and how very much themselves they are. More than that, I love the organic way it obviously came to you. I love writing like that - it's not forced, it's just nice. I can tell you've put your heart into this, and I love you for it.

He�d bathed some hours ago, as was the usual routine, and so felt clean enough sinking into the bedcovers, nosing against the soft plush of the pillow.

D'aw, Kurama, you li'l cutie-pie. *snugs him* You're adorable when you're all depressed.

Also, like I think I've already said, your characterizations are fantastic! Smeagol loves it.

You said you wanted honesty, though, so I'm going to be honest. There are points where I just can't keep up with what's happening, because you've put in so much description but so little action - my eyes slide off the page, and I'm not sure what's going on physically. I'm very sure of what's going on emotionally, but physically, I've no idea. And this, right here, is the most important writerly advice I can give, because as I read it's continuously on my mind: do you edit, Kita, or do you revise? Do you cut yourself back, or do you like your prose so much you can't bear to par it down? When you revise, do you find that you spend most of the time taking things out, smoothing things down, changing words, or do you keep adding whole new phrases and passages and complicating things without really curbing the old ones? This isn't a question you have to answer to me, my friend, though you can if you want. Writing is fun - revising is not nearly as fun. But if you don't revise properly, then your writing becomes hard to read [a general your - this is just as true for me as it is for you]. And a reader reads because they want to have fun, and the more convoluted the prose gets, the harder it is to understand, the more like work it feels, the less like fun. E.B. White said of writing that the trick is to, "Be obscure clearly." You can have great depth, you've just got to package it right.

I hope reading this wasn't like pulling teeth for you. I know how engaged you are in your writing, and since I'm the same way, I know this probably hurt. I have to reiterate this: if you sucked, you'd never have gotten a review from me in the first place. There are people out there who are bad, lazy writers, who don't care about their writing - that's so not you, that's the polar opposite of you. I've only ever once given a review for a fic I didn't like and didn't think was good, and then it was just because the person I was reviewing for was a very emotional person who was also a friend, and it was one line. I hope that eases the sting some.
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From BlueUtopiah on October 18, 2009
The Yukina flashbacks are just so sad. Like I've said before, this story has a lot of creativity and this is where you bring it home - things like Yukina's past, all fleshed out with disturbing images of Hina's insanity, are what really gives this fic meat. And I love human!Karasu's little ways of observing and flirting with Kurama. He's there, right now, when Hiei isn't, and knows things to bring Kurama close to him. Also, he's not a "normal human" in Kurama's eyes, which lets him through the fox's walls even more quickly.

And Youko's memories of getting clothes are so adorable.
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From on October 09, 2009
Oh, please. An AP English teacher is in the midst of correcting a piece of mine so it can be given to the committee for the lit!mag at my school, and I am terrified. I can dish it, but I can't take it. I only mentioned something because you're so very talented, Kita, you just need to start curing yourself of some bad habits. If you did, your writing (which is already very nice!) would be much nicer, and I can promise you that.

I will read this chapter and give you a proper review, with characterization critiques and such, when I don't have SATs first thing in the morning, alright? Just as a note, Karasu is a character who only really appeared for seven episodes, so he's very open to different interpretations. You can take him so many ways, and still be true to Togashi's image of him, that to me, at least, it's always been harder to make him out-of-character than keep him in character (though God bless them, I know people who've done it). Besides, you're doing such interesting things with him and so well, whatever you may say, that all the changes to his character make sense and keep me interested.

More later, I need to get a good rest tonight.
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From BlueUtopiah on October 05, 2009
I'm honestly stunned that this hasn't gotten more reviews because it's well thought out and the plot has all these small creative twists that I haven't seen in YYH fanfic before. But you know what I like the most? Karasu's humanity and how it's bringing him close to Kurama in unusual ways. Ways that could have them understanding each other. Weird. I didn't think that could be done. Human!Karasu could possibly be the third in a Hiei-Kurama-Karasu triangle.

And your Yukina is sweet yet strong. The way she should be.
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From on September 27, 2009
I'm sorry! This site seems determined for you not to read it. Third time's the charm, I guess? If not, I'll just send it to you on livejournal.

I do love your fic, so please don't mistake this as a bash of it! It is, in fact, a delightful story that's generally well-executed, just maddening at points when you layer words too deeply, or use too much unusual vocabulary in a row (just so you understand, while le bon mot is all well and good, a string of words that half your audience won't understand, which is something I've been guilty of many a time, detracts from structure and jars a reader if it's not done carefully. Also, several times you used unusual words that either didn't work in the sentence or were used incorrectly, which is not a good thing to do at all).

In the meantime, I'll be reading this fic all night, I think. It's incredibly interesting! Plus, dare we mention it? Karasu! We all know how much a good Karasu story enchants me.
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From on September 27, 2009
I'm becoming fond of this story the more of it I read, and Blue was right, its creativity is superb - but at the same time, it saddens me. You have such ability to write, and such wonderful narrative structure, but rather than fully utilizing it, you're getting too mired down in your prose, and making it difficult to read in places. Several spots were hard to understand even for me, just because you'd over-written it to the point that its actual meaning was obscured. Good writing is sleek, Kita, not wordy.

To give you an example of what I mean, here's a passage you wrote:

It was luck that had drawn his spirit unwaveringly from its floating place above Kubikukuri Island to Tokyo, and yet more luck that had so easily fused his soul to a receptive body.

And here's an example of how it could be simpler, clearer, and easier to read:

Luck had drawn his spirit into Tokyo from its haunting above Kubikukuri Island, and luck had fused his soul so easily to a receptive body.

If, while writing, you kept what I'm trying to tell you in mind, I think you'd find that your work would improve drastically. This review is concrit, and a bit serious, but hopefully won't be taken badly.
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From BlueUtopiah on August 29, 2009
This is a fantastic fantastic fic. Just the backstory on Karasu alone is delicious, but then you throw in all these other plot points that I haven't seen before: like Yukina searching for her brother on her own, and Kurama speaking with his father's ghost (which was FUCKING AWESOME btw.)

I can't go on enough about how well thought out and creative this entire story is. Your total exposition on Karasu, especially how he feels and why he feels the way he does, and his meeting and subsequent realtionship with Bui, is riveting. Love it. I can't wait to see more.
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From BlueUtopiah on August 12, 2009
See, I told you I'd read when I got a chance. I like this. A lot. I have to tell Sekah to read this because your Karasu is delicious - very in-chracter and also an interesting take on him. That whole scene where he knocked Kurama over and put the seal on him was very very well-written. You don't see this kind of angle in Karasu-Kurama fic and I think Hiei is certainly going to have more problems than he baragined for.

Please, write more!
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From ANON - rst on August 05, 2009
This is a very good story, you are able to catch their personalities and use them in your work which is quite unusual. I look forward to your next update
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From 66Hiei08 on August 04, 2009
Great story so far! Please update as soon as you can. :o)
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