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Reviews for Chronicles of Egypt

By : LilSukichan
  • From ANON - Leo on November 12, 2005
    Suki-chan, this story sounds quite intriguing and I'm quite curious as to what may happen in the process. Yet, I may have to agree with EL on a few points. There were quite a few mistakes. If you prefer, I would be your beta reader and I'm certain you know how to contact me. Other than that, it's looking promising and I hope to read more chapters for this story in the near future. ^_^
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  • From ANON - El_of_Egypt on October 26, 2005
    Suki, I just read your story even though I'm suppose to be in bed right now. I wanted to say that I like the title for one and the story seems very enjoyable. I like the idea you had for Kurama and Kaomi(Poiz) like each other in the past and now she's married to Shane. I also like how you described the scenes and the characters. Nicely done so far and pretty vivid. However, despite my praises, I do have a few things I need to address about this story. You had some grammer mistakes I happen to notice while reading and I wanted to point them out. One of the mistakes were, "No sooner had the two walked inside, they were immediately greeted by Yusuke and Kuwbara who evidently ringing the doorbell to Tsuki’s room number." I think you meant who were evidently ringing the doorbell. You forgot to add "were" also, " 'Heh!' Kuwabara yelled, mostly out of being taken out of surprise by Suki’s slap..." I was wondering if you meant, "Hey!" instead? "Kuwabara and Kurama sat on the couch with Tsuki in the middle, while Yusuke leant up against the wall instead looking at the three as they talked." A comma needed to be added after instead and before looking and I believe that sentence would sound better if you used "leaned against" instead of "leant up against". ^^; Sorry Suki if I'm pointing out a lot, but I want to make sure you don't miss anything this time. I have a few more. ". He wasn’t a surprise Kuwabara replied the way he did, but it mostly ended up as a dramatic delusion." It seems the "a" doesn't belong where it says "He wasn't 'a' surprise..." and surprise needs to be in past tense. Unless you meant, "It wasn't a surprise Kuwabara replied the way he did," then you just overlooked the "He" when you should of changed it to "It" ^^; "He was, after all her elder sibling." I thought it wouldn't be confusing if you said Kurama's name there and took the comma out. " 'All right, Kurama.' Tsuki began. 'What I have to say will not be a pleasant thing for you to hear but as my brother, I owe you the truth.' She said." Um, I believe a comma after "hear" would be suitable. Okay, I think I'll stop here and leave the rest alone. I just wanted to point out a few things I've noticed for your acknowledgement. I hope you don't mind and I would like to read more of this story as it progresses. I bet this will be very exciting. Take care, Suki!

    EL~

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