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Reviews for Wouldn't Trade It For The World

By : SkyaraSnow
  • From kurahieiritrJIO on July 05, 2013
    Your story is improving with each chapter. Nicely done in the characterization department. You have a decent grasp of Hiei's character and Yusuke's also. Too bad we are not seeing much of Kuwabara, however I am sure that will change in time.

    I do hope you will continue to pursue this tale because I would like to know which poison Kuwabara was fed, and the cure administered. I did notice a number of tense shifts, and Point of View shifts throughout each chapter. I think that if you separated the POV shifts with some form of marking to clue that is happening, it would be less jarring when such different character passages are crossed. Overall, this story is improving in focus and the characters are holding their own as they should.

    Hopefully, you will be continuing with this vein of plot writing, as it is a nice plotline with a lot of potential for a number of unusual twists.
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  • From kurahieiritrJIO on July 05, 2013
    You have an interesting beginning idea. I did not see per say a Mary Sue as I began reading. I can see how your lady character could be a very effective spy among other roles at this new tourny you have her going to as a Team Urameshi alternate. Your story begins to pick up interest with the flashback, since that is where the Cannon characters are starting vaguely to come into play.

    I also see where the readership review lack is coming from, but it is easily corrected. You have a beginning that can be tightened up to carry a serious punch with some revision. I think most of the reason you have not received a large number of reviews is due to opening this story with an OC character as the central figure. Revise to have the Yu Yu Cast in the first couple paragraphs. Many die hard fans won't read past 2 paragraphs if the story does not have cannons beginning the tale. It is fine for an O.C. to be the View point, yet die hard fans hate it if OC is not observing the Cannon character(s) nine times out of 10 and will back click.

    Readers assume that the writer is going to eclipse the cannons with their O.C. for the duration of the story. AS a fellow writer of fan fiction, I learned this particular readership prejudice the hard way several years ago with a fan fiction I wrote while having multiple surgeries so was not all there. :) Needless to say fans of that anime were not at all amused with my opening paragraphs so I did not get reviews. Many fan fiction readers expect the cannon from the first line of the story. To help you, I am going to do what someone was kind enough to do for me at FF.net a few years ago. I'll give you feedback on structuring to catch readership and reviews. I do not intend offense here, simply a working remedy that improved my own reviews over a period of a couple years.

    I would like to suggest that you FLIP the opening scene so that your OC is watching the Tournament and have her come back to reality. If she first has the flashback to establish that the Cannon Yu Yu Hakusho characters are very important to her, it should get you far better results. Another thing that will work wonders for your tale is having the OC meet one or more of the Team Urameshi cannons. Perhaps Boton introduces her to Team Urameshi at the Dark tourny as part of the flashback. Then you can give the Enma details as part of conversation. Doing so places the character firmly in everyone's mind, without overshadowing Team Urameshi, especially Kurama, and Hie, and Yusuuke. They are the strongest fangirl/boy base that readers want to see.

    You can establish that your O.C. is a back up for the next tourny compliments of Koenma first. After that point your story has the feel of the O.C. being a support member, instead of the major star that eclipses the Yu Yu Hakusho characters. People read fanfiction to see their fave cannons in action. The note should take a backseat to the flashback, then the Koenma telling her she's the alternate back up, and then she can be checking on her brother and dropping off the note.

    Another thing, I love some of your typos because they are actually very great image builders. "She looked human and smelt half demon." Smelt is a species of edible fish, so I saw a mermaid half demon in my head. I would suggest a grammar check and Spell check, if you have a dictionary function on your word processor, you might want to double check those words. Over all, I do see a lot of potential in this story. If you take a bit of time to reorganize things, I think you can create a fascinating reading experience that people will stick with, and review without you having to ask.
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  • From Bluerose92 on June 18, 2011
    omg.
    i fucking love this story.
    i cant wait for more.
    so...update soon.
    lol.

    ~Golden Kitsune~
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  • From katayra on August 18, 2008
    :O

    i love hiei and all but shit man, he needs to hop off kurama's dick.


    p.s. love the storyy :D update soon
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  • From kittycat1 on April 20, 2008
    This was a good story but not great as it could have been. >_> It could have more romance/ sex scenes in it and maybe add hiei in them as well. ^__^ Other than that it's good, there should be/ HOPE more stories coming soon to be able to read. :3
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