Behind Closed Doors

It’d been a month. A month since Yusuke nearly died again. A month since Kurama had marked him. A month since they’d touched. Yusuke was fine, feeling more and more confident as Hiei continued to avoid him. Kurama, however, was feeling weaker as Yusuke continued to avoid him. The redhead could feel the wish to die slipping away, but it hadn’t been replaced with a wish to live, either. Yusuke wanted time, wanted space, and Kurama was not going to force anything on him. He didn’t realize how much that would pull from him, though.

He’d had to stay home for the third day in a row. He just didn’t have the strength to get out of bed. His mother had called off work to watch over him. She was making noise of taking him to a hospital. But, Kurama knew no hospital could help him. He was drowsing when he heard noises outside his door. He thought it had to be a dream. He heard his mother talking to Yusuke. It had to be a dream.

Yusuke poked his head in the door, “Hey, brought your homework.”

Kurama’s eyes widened and he struggled to push himself up, “Yusuke, I’m glad to see you.”

Yusuke made sure the door was closed, “Shit, Kurama. What’s wrong?” He dropped the stack of papers on the floor and went to help the redhead sit up. They both felt the surge as power flowed from Yusuke’s hands into Kurama’s body. “What was that?”

Kurama hesitated. He didn’t want Yusuke feeling guilty for taking the time he needed to figure things out and regain his confidence, but being separated so completely from the brunet, from the one he’d marked, was a massive strain on his ki. “Don’t worry, Yusuke. I’ll be fine.”

Yusuke frowned, “Don’t lie. Explain it to me.”

There was life again in those brown eyes, and that life was more precious to Kurama than anything he’d seen before. He sighed, “I don’t want you feeling bad, Yusuke. Understand?” He watched as the brunet frowned and then nodded. He sighed again, considering how to best phrase what was happening, “Part of my ki holds your ki, Yusuke. When I marked you, that’s what happened. It’s like you’ve become a part of me.” He sighed and reached a hand up to rest it on Yusuke’s arm. The brunet had not let go of his arms yet, and he treasured that. “Without some kind of touch, some kind of contact, I cannot renew my ki. Most of the time, when demons mark someone, it’s because they are in an intimate relationship. I don’t want you to think you have to do anything with me. But, if you could just touch me, just like this,” he squeezed Yusuke’s arm lightly, “then it’ll be enough.”

“Kurama, I don’t understand. What do you mean, renew your ki?” Yusuke’s voice was a little tense, a little panicky.

“It’s okay, Yusuke. It’s okay. You didn’t know and I wasn’t sure and even if I was, I wouldn’t have brought it up…”

“You’re not answering my question, Kurama,” Yusuke cut off the redhead’s ramble. “Tell me what you mean.”

Kurama sighed, “Because marking someone is supposed to be part of an intimate relationship, touch is vital. Without touch, if the marking is one sided, the demon will weaken progressively because their ki is divided.”

“I’ve been killing you?” Yusuke asked, his eyes flooding with guilt and fear.

“No, Yusuke. No. You’ve been healing.”

“Kurama, don’t. Don’t try to sooth this over. I’ve been killing you.” Yusuke collapsed into Kurama’s chest, and the redhead wrapped his arms around the brunet reflexively. They could both feel the increased flow of energy, almost stifling the weakened kitsune in its intensity.

“Yusuke, you didn’t know. I wasn’t sure. It’s not your fault,” Kurama gasped out. His head was swimming, struggling to keep afloat in the returning energy. “Please, Yusuke, sit up.” He pushed the brunet away from his chest. Yusuke’s body was limp as he followed Kurama’s directions. “Look at me, Yusuke.” The brown eyes that met his were the ones he’d seen a month ago, almost dead. “Yusuke?”

“Don’t you want me, Kurama?” the voice was flat.

“You don’t mean that, Yusuke.” Kurama could feel fear starting to curl in his stomach. He watched as Yusuke straddled his lap.

“It’s all I’m good for, so why not, Kurama?” Yusuke began pulling down the redhead’s covers.

“Yusuke, stop.” Kurama fought to keep the blankets over his body.

“You marked me, Kurama, you need this. Just let me do it. It’ll be over soon enough. Just let me do what I have to and it’ll be over soon enough.” His voice was hollow as he continued to fight with the covers.

Kurama pushed Yusuke off the bed, “No, I don’t want it, Yusuke.”

“Is everything okay, Shuichi?” Shiori’s voice came through the door.

“Yes, Mother, everything is fine,” Kurama yelled through the door. He looked back where Yusuke had landed and the brunet was curled in a ball, his hands over his head. Kurama crawled out of the bed and over to Yusuke. The brunet cowered from him. “Yusuke,” he whispered, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You don’t love me,” the small voice barely sounded like Yusuke’s at all.

“Yusuke, can you feel my ki? You know that’s not true.”

“You don’t want me,” the small voice continued.

Kurama felt like flopping to the floor, but he knew that reaction wouldn’t help. “Yusuke, I want you to come to me willingly, not because you think you have to.”

“It’s all I’m good for,” the stranger before him said.

“Yusuke, please, look at me.”

The eyes he’d seen through the door looked at him. Yusuke hadn’t healed at all this month. He was still the wreck that wanted to die. Kurama was at an utter loss. What happened? Why had Yusuke stood up to Hiei? Footfalls just outside his door pulled his eyes away from Yusuke, “Mother, we’re fine,” Kurama repeated as his door opened.

“I thought you could use a drink. Why are you on the floor, Shuichi?”

“It’s my fault, ma’am. I thought he was fakin’ sick,” Yusuke answered. Kurama couldn’t keep the surprise off his face when he turned to see Yusuke sitting on his knees, not a trace of the broken wreck he’d just seen.

“I was feeling a little better,” Kurama added lamely.

“You shouldn’t be on the floor,” Shiori reprimanded. With Yusuke’s help, she lifted the redhead back to his bed. Kurama expected another surge from the brunet, but he seemed to be controlling the flow of energy between them again. Kurama couldn’t keep the puzzled frown off his face. Even the feel of Yusuke’s ki had changed. Shiori fussed over Kurama since he was feeling well enough to sit up and some color had returned to his face. She fussed over Yusuke for saving her son, not knowing how close to the truth she was. When she left, she left the door open behind her. Yusuke remained calm, collected, his eyes confident, but Kurama could see the carefully constructed wall behind that façade. He now saw how he’d missed that Hiei was destroying their leader. He hadn’t even picked up that they were in anything that could, by a stretch of the word, be called a relationship. “How long were you with him, Yusuke?” Kurama’s voice sounded as if it’d been dredged from the very bottom of his soul reluctantly.

The wall strengthened, “A year.”

Kurama didn’t want to ask, but the words rose to his lips, “How long was he good to you?”

Yusuke looked away, “What do you care?”

“Answer me, Yusuke,” Kurama’s voice was sharp.

Yusuke looked into his lap, “A month, I guess.” He shrugged, “But, each time, he said I was his and I couldn’t deny him. But it felt good. I didn’t want to say no. I wanted more.” Yusuke’s voice wavered and he looked at the open door. Kurama followed his gaze. “He gave me more,” Yusuke’s voice was detached.

“Will you please close the door Yusuke?” Kurama asked beginning to develop a theory. Something passed through Yusuke’s eyes, too quickly for Kurama to identify, but the brunet moved to comply. Instead of sitting on the bed, he pulled the chiar from the desk over. His eyes were more guarded when he looked at Kurama again, waiting for the redhead to continue. Kurama took a deep breathe before asking, “What do you mean, gave you more?”

The brunet looked at his lap, “Why do you care?”

Kurama bit back a sigh, “I care about you, Yusuke. But, honestly, I have no clue how to help you. I’m hoping that your telling what happened will help us figure it out, okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Kurama.” He moved to stand up.

“Please, Yusuke.” Kurama held out his hand to Yusuke. Before he took a breath, or could think of his next words, Yusuke’s took his hand, holding it to his face and buried his head in Kurama’s lap. Kurama brought his free hand up, “Yusuke?”

Words fell from Yusuke’s lips in disjointed phrases. Not once did he look up, nor did he let go of Kurama’s hand. The fragments created a picture that made Kurama feel ill and guilty at how much he’d missed going on, though he had an inkling of how that happened. As he’d found out, Hiei had feed on Yusuke’s need for love and acceptance for a year. The trap had been simple to lay. Yusuke admired Hiei, even Kurama had known that. What the redhead had missed was the change from admiration to lust and what Yusuke believed was love. He loved Hiei still, even though he was scared to death of him. He reiterated that their first time had been wonderful and that he thought his feelings were returned, though Hiei scared him when he left by saying he had no choice. He shrugged it off as Hiei being Hiei. For a month, every thing was great. And then, things changed. Hiei was less gentle, rough with him. When he complained, Hiei’s answer had been “you came, you enjoyed it.” Yusuke had tried to argue, but he didn’t know how. Hiei was still gentle from time to time, but those times were farther apart and the pain was more frequent. This is what Kurama pieced together from the words that reached him.

Yusuke gradually fell silent and the two sat together. Kurama’s hand in Yusuke’s was asleep because of the awkward angle it was in, but that didn’t matter to him. He continued to caress Yusuke’s hair, hoping that this retelling of his recent history would help him sort things out, to heal. After a while, Yusuke sat up, “I still love him, Kurama. I don’t want to, but I do.”

Fear raced through Kurama’s body, “Please don’t go back to him, Yusuke.”

Yusuke’s shook his head and crawled up onto the bed, “I’ll try. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for you, I would have.”

“For me?” Kurama asked, puzzled since Yusuke had been avoiding him.

“You told me you loved me, he never did. I don’t know if I love you, but how it made me feel when you said it…” he shook his head and wrapped his arms around the redhead.

Kurama returned the hug, his arm stinging with the returning blood flow, but that didn’t matter. “It’s true, Yusuke. I do love you. I’ll be here for you.” He held the brunet, caressing his back, rocking them both side to side. He could feel Yusuke’s ki opening to him and he gently encouraged it like the delicate flowers he grew in his garden, not pushing, just giving it enough energy to sustain itself, to bloom. Yusuke was a long way from blooming, he knew, but maybe the first step had been taken. He hoped.

Yusuke sat back slowly, his arms remaining around Kurama while he moved enough to see the green eyes. “I won’t avoid you any more, Kurama.” The brown eyes were calm, not dead, but there wasn’t much in them, either. Kurama also couldn’t see the wall in them, so he actually felt relief.

“I’m here if you want me, Yusuke, to talk, to be with, what ever you need.” He paused, he knew Yusuke’s problems were beyond his skill set to help solve, but he didn’t know who to recommend for the brunet to talk to. He brought a hand up to caress Yusuke’s cheek, “If I find the name of a counselor, will you go?”

The wall started to show up again, “Why?”

“Yusuke, you need more help than I can give you. Hiei did a real number on you and it’s going to take a lot to help you recover…”

”I’m not some weakling!” Yusuke shouted, pulling away from Kurama.

“I don’t think you are, Yusuke. I believe you are very strong. But even the strongest people need help.”

“Have you ever been?”

“Yes,” Kurama answered, looking Yusuke directly in the eyes.

This stopped the brunet’s tirade. “Why?”

“When I started junior high, I avoided people. I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. My mother was worried so she took me to a counselor.”

“Did it help?”

Kurama nodded, “Yes. The counselor pointed out that I felt that every one was beneath me and that if I wanted to get a long with people, I’d have to learn not to act that way.”

Yusuke’s lips twisted into something that might have been a grin if it had more humor to it, “Do you still believe that?”

Kurama thought a moment, “Not every one is beneath me. There are some who are a challenge and some I genuinely like. I’ve even learned there are some worthy of great respect.”

Yusuke snorted, “Like who?”

“My mother, you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you, Yusuke.”

“But, I let Hiei fucking mess with me, and I would still.”

“You are amazingly strong, Yusuke. And I just don’t mean fighting. I mean that you have come from a very difficult background and still are a caring person. You protect anyone you deem worthy of your affections. You act with honor. That is amazing, Yusuke.”

Yusuke’s voice was soft, “You mean that?”

“Yes, I do,” Kurama nodded, meeting Yusuke’s gaze. Hope was beginning to sprout in his eyes again.

“Okay, I’ll talk to someone,” Yusuke said after a long pause. “Will you go with me?”

“If you want me to, I will.”

Yusuke reached out for Kurama’s hand, “How much touch do you need to keep from getting sick again?” His eyes were serious, a veil hiding the brokenness within, just a veil, not a wall.

“I’m not sure, Yusuke. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never marked anyone. How much are you comfortable with?”

“I don’t know.” He looked away, staring at the door a moment before looking back. “How about you start tutoring me and we’ll see from there, okay?”

Kurama nodded, “Okay.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“Much better, thank you. I think I’ll be able to go to class in the morning.”

Yusuke leaned in and kissed Kurama’s cheek before standing and picking up the dropped home work and handing it to the redhead. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, okay?”

Kurama caught Yusuke’s hand and squeezed it lightly, “Thank you for bringing me this.”

Yusuke shrugged, a half smile on his lips, “See ya.”

“Tomorrow. Good night.”

Yusuke paused at the door, his hand on the knob. “What?” he asked, looking over his shoulder, “Nothing else?”

“I love you, Yusuke.”

Yusuke seemed to think a minute, “I can’t say it back.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

Yusuke turned, leaning against the door, “But, when I asked you, you said it. Don’t you want to hear me say it back?”

“Not until you’re ready to say it back to me. And if you never are, that’s fine, too. If you don’t love me, that’s okay. It’s okay if you never love me. But, I do love you and I’ll be here for you.”

Yusuke nodded. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“Same here. Good night, Yusuke. I love you.”

“Good night, Kurama. Have fun with that,” he pointed at the stack of papers and left the room.

A/N: Oi, almost 300 hits and only 3 reviews *sniffs and sighs* Ah, wells, better than none *mutters about ingrates*

Actually, I'm in an okay mood. I know this story is...well...a lot different.

Zelda Fitz: Thanks. Hope you liked this chapter, too. It just seemed to me, that it would be possible for Hiei to act this way, but...I address it more later in the story.

Tori: Thanks

MikaSamu: Thanks, here's more.

Anyways...I want more feedback...more cookies...more more more...*wonders who has to do whom how to get reviews anymore*