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Anguish	By : tanquinho Category: Yuyu Hakusho > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 2770 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuYu Hakusho, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Anguish
- 1
WARNING: This fanfic is Yaoi (Male/Male relationship). It was my
first fic ever written, and it's already 6 years old. A big Thanks to Rhionae
who kindly edited it for me. Hope you enjoy it. ^_^

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Anguish

By Lalachan

I know something is wrong the moment my feet touch the Ningenkai's soil.
Something hits me heavily; something I can't discern right now. It's not
a ki, or someone's aura; it's most like a presage in the air... a bad one.
Something happened, something really serious. I'm not sure that I want
to know what it is, as my leaps through the treetops lead me directly towards
Kurama's house.
As I had done so many times before, I land on the window-sill of his
room, and as always, I push the window, so I can come in. I frown, confused.
It is closed.
I just can't remember a time it has happened before. It's late at night,
at this time the fox might well be in dreamland by now. The room is in
the dark, I can't see anything in it but hideous shadows. I hesitate a
little before knocking lightly at the window. The feeling that reached
me when I passed through the portal between the Makai and the Ningenkai,
and the closed window... these two things bother me greatly, but I refuse
to panic this easily; why should I? There is an explanation to all of this,
I am sure.
However, there is no answer to my knocking, and I persist, this time
more forcefully. Nothing, yet. The room is empty. Finally I admit to myself
what I was trying to deny since I got here; I didn't sense Kurama's you-ki
anywhere in this house. He is not here, definitively. Then why do I keep
on knocking at the window, like an idiot, if I already know that? I shake
my head.
I open my Jagan, and begin to investigate the rest of the house in search
of the other inhabitants' energy, his mother, the stepfather, and the younger
brother; There is no sign of them, either. So that is it. Kurama probably
is somewhere, with his ningen relatives; that is the explanation. All I
have to do is wait for them to return.
But, even though I am already reclined at the tree branch, waiting,
that insistent feeling doesn't leave my gut. Insecurity begins to disturb
my mind. At this time at night, where could they be... all of them?
It's not time for school holidays... if it was, then everything would
be explained. The whole family would be enjoying the vacations of the two
students, perhaps traveling somewhere, or visiting relatives... But I know
that every time his family decides to travel or go on a trip, Kurama always
manages to avoid joining them, giving some excuse, and staying at home.
He does that in order to have some privacy in the house conveniently empty,
without having to worry about being interrupted by them. He takes any chances
like those; that's when we can at least be quietly alone. Just the two
of us.
If his family were traveling, Kurama wouldn't be with them. He would
be here, in this room, waiting for me, a luxurious smile in his lips, a
burning flame of anticipation in his eyes of jade...
I stir lightly in the branch, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. That feeling
doesn't abandon me, however much I try to think with logic; it remains
there, pounding in my subconscious.
All my life, I was never so imprudent as to ignore my instincts. I would
be dead if I did that; it is something that guides my steps, something
that rules my survival. And now, my instincts are telling me that there
is something terribly wrong in this situation. And as always, I can't permit
myself the luxury of ignoring them for much longer.
I get to my feet in the branch, a decision made. Choosing one direction,
I leave the tree where I had been hidden, with swift and determined leaps.
I finally arrive at the building where Yusuke lives, feeling reluctance
in showing my concern so openly like this, but I have no choice. Yusuke
might know where Kurama is.
I never liked elevators. I quickly climb the stairs and place myself
in front of his apartment's door. With no hesitation I squeeze the door-bell.
It screams accusingly, as if wanting to wake the entire neighborhood. A
few moments of silence. I try again, but nothing. There is nobody home.
I frown again. I begin to consider the possibility of some mission of
Koenma's; but in this case, why shouldn't I be informed about it? Besides,
there is also the point of Kurama's relatives absence... Nothing is fitting
in here.
I leave the place, uncertain of what to do. I grunt in disgust, as I
take the direction towards Kuwabara's house; that's exactly what I need:
to look at that idiotic gorilla's face, but the need to know what is happening
urges me on again.
The scene is the same; when I get to the place, I don't even need to
knock on the door, because I have already searched around with my Jagan
and it's empty. No ningen here. And no stupid gorilla, either.
Now I go down the desert street, barely looking up when a car passes
by me, the lights boring the night's darkness. There is one last option,
before asking for help in Reikai... Yusuke's girlfriend's house, Keiko.
One last shot, before go through the Gates of Judgement, and talk to the
little guy that governs that place.
I know where it is, because I had been there, once. Kurama managed to
drag me to a party in that house. Now I remember... it was in the occasion
of Yusuke and Keiko's engagement. As always, it was much easier to surrender
to my fox's insistence than refuse... and I went.
The house has two floors; the downstairs one is some kind of store...
no, a restaurant. She and her family live in the second floor. I look up,
and feel surprised as I am feeling relieved: There is a light in one of
the windows. With no more delay, I push the doorbell. Three more pushes
are needed before someone gets to the door; when the door opens, a sleepy
middle-age woman's face looks at me, questioning. Her mother.
"Is Keiko here?" I ask, trying to keep a "polite" tone in the voice.
She looks at me and doesn't answer, maybe trying to figure out what someone
like me could want with her daughter. I tell myself to remain calm; I will
get nowhere if I loose my temper, now.
"I need to talk to Keiko," I insist, in a low voice. "Is she here?"
"No, Keiko is not home." She finally answers, still suspicious. "Who
are you?"
"My name is Hiei. I am... a friend of Yusuke." I explain, feeling weird
when saying that word. Friend. When I imagined myself saying such a sentence
like this? But the woman's eyes seem to light in recognition, at least.
"Oh, yes, I remember you, now... you came to the engagement's party,
didn't you?"
"Hai." I answer back, a little impatient. "Where is Keiko?" Her expression
becomes strange, it saddens a bit. She looks down, in sorrow.
"Keiko is at a deathwatch. One of her schoolmates unfortunately died,
yesterday. She's with her friends, some blocks far from here... they are
guarding the dead in his grandmother's house. Would you like me to give
you the address?"
I don't answer, frozen in place with the revelation. A deathwatch? Somebody
died... some stupid ningen was caught by the claws of death, ending his
useless and short life. Finally, the explanation. All the students of the
school may be at this deathwatch, that explains Kurama's absence, Yusuke's,
and Kuwabara's.
But it doesn't explain Kurama's parents absence, and his brother. My
mind screams, but I ignore this annoying voice. I look at the woman, who
still waits for my reply. I nod, and she quickly takes some paper and pen
to note the address down.
I finally leave the Yukimura's residence, feeling the woman's glance
in my back, while I get away; I know that I can't use my speed to go any
faster, until she returns inside, which she does, some moments later. I
run through the night, then, following the direction specified in the paper.
I take only some seconds to get at the place, and, without any reason,
my central nucleous that humans call heart beats faster; some strange voice
tells me not to go in, to turn my back and just leave. I shake my head
at such an incoherent thought. I come to the house's entrance, whose doors
are open. There is a lot of people here, despite the fact it's a large
house, I almost can't make my way through the ningen with sad faces. At
a glance, I think that the boy who died really was well-liked by everyone...
I catch sight of Yusuke, at Keiko's side, sitting in a corner of the
room; At their side, there are Kuwabara, Yukina and Shizuru. Yusuke is
the first one to notice me, and his eyes wide in shock; for some reason,
that bothers me, makes me unquiet. His glance crosses nervously to Kuwabara's,
who looks at me. I find it odd, when I see in his eyes no sign of antagonism,
or anger, upon seeing me. Instead of that, he lowers his gaze, not wanting
to stare me.
There is no sign of Kurama anywhere.
My heart is pounding madly now, but still, I am careful to keep my face
expressionless while I approach them.
Yusuke is still looking at me, and looking closer now, I see that he
is crying in silence. All of them are. With the exception of Yusuke, nobody
looks at me, everyone prefers to focus their gaze somewhere else. A sob
escapes from Keiko, and Yusuke gently wraps his arms over her shoulders,
comforting. I don't bother to greet them; in fact, nobody expects me to
do so.
Some moments of visible discomfort go by.
"Where is Kurama?" I finally ask, letting the question come out like
it was confined in my throat for a long time. Suddenly Yukina covers her
face with her hands, and a lot of tear gems escape through her delicate
fingers. Kuwabara does the same as Yusuke. Yukina hides her face in his
chest, crying disconsolately. Kuwabara leans his face against her hair,
murmuring words of comfort, but he himself cries too, his body shaken by
strong sobs as well.
None of them answers my question; Only Yusuke lifts his distressed face
up at me, and gestures with his head in the direction of the other room's
corner, where another group of people are kneeling in front of the coffin.
Wordlessly, he tells me to go over there... but why should I? For what
reason should I lament some ningen's death, lean over the spirit's shelter,
now lacking in life? Is he trying to tell me that Kurama may be near there?
But I don't sense his you-ki anywhere around here.
Without knowing why I am doing this, I get away from them, and I still
can hear the contained sobs of Yukina and Keiko behind me.
As I approach the coffin, my throat suddenly tightens; my eyes open
wide in terror... despair begins to invade my inner being. Kneeling in
front of the coffin there are Shiori, her husband, and Shuuichi, ningen
brother of Kurama.
The closest relatives... of the dead one.
Although the fact has already established itself in my mind, it hasn't
reached out its darkened roots to its fullest extension, and that's the
reason why I can make my way past the disconsolate woman and her husband,
followed by their stunned gaze. I can't yet entirely absorb, comprehend
this idea, and because of that I manage, without shaking, to reach the
front of the coffin surrounded by white roses... roses almost as beautiful
as those that he could summon with his Youko powers.
Inside the coffin, looking serenely asleep, there is Kurama, lying with
his hands placed carefully on his chest, one over another. His long red
hair is spread across the satin pillow. He is wearing a black suit, with
a white shirt, and a tie. His perfect face is very pale, but his expression
was never so relaxed in life... and yet still so beautiful. I look at his
face, and I have the feeling that his green eyes will turn upwards at any
minute and focus on me; his lips will open in a delightful smile, as always,
and his long arms will reach out in my direction, demanding that I cuddle
between them...
I don't move from my place, I find myself paralyzed by this amazing,
surreal sight. Minutes pass by and I can't get rid of the feeling that
those eyes will open suddenly; I keep on looking at him, before a hand
rests lightly on my shoulder, breaking the spell. I look up. Yusuke stares
at me with a wordless grief on his face. He says nothing, but the hand
on my shoulder becomes firmer, trying to console me.
"How did it happen?" I ask, surprised at the calmness of my own voice.
"H-he... he was... r-run over... a truck lost control and caught him
on his way out of school..." I take some time to really understand what
he is saying... run over?... run over?? What the hell? What kind of a stupid
thing is that? "H-He died almost... almost instantly..." he continues;
his voice is shaking, his self-control has gone completely. Tears start
to stream down his cheeks again. "H-Hiei... we couldn't warn you... gomenasai..."
He is trying to regain his composure, and keeps on apologizing and moaning,
but the sound of his voice is slowly fading away from me... I am suddenly
being carried away to another place, to another time. I am still there,
standing, looking at the still face of Kurama, but in a completely different
world.
I am drawn back to the past, and countless images pass before me like
in some movie play, like those Kurama got me to watch.
Kurama smiling at me, his eyes brilliant, his cheeks rose-colored with
pleasure... his joking, his teasing games, his amusement when he finally
managed to get any reaction from me... his shy declaration of love, and
the hurt in his eyes when I ran away to Makai, so cowardly... our first
kiss, our first lovemaking... the abandonment, the passion, the furious
need that we felt in that moment, and in all the moments following. Every
expression, every smile, every gaze, both happy and sad, of Kurama, come
into my mind, all of them mixing together in one... rolling wildly, crazily,
until my legs weaken and I fall to my knees, the hard reality of the present
hitting me heavily.
I haven't noticed that I have been crying... I only realize that when
a glimpse of the ground calls my attention: there are my tear gems spread
over the floor close to where the coffin is placed, shining and dark spheres.
I run my hand over my face, feeling it wet, warm.
Yusuke gets down beside me, intending to help me to stand up, looking
concerned with my reaction. But I make a rude gesture to free myself from
his touch, and get to my feet without his help.
"Hiei..." His voice is filled with worry, and in a glance I see the
others getting closer, their faces concerned as well; I know that I can't
stand this; I can't stand their pity, their mourning... They can do nothing
for me, nobody can.
Yukina's sad eyes are fixed on me, pleading.
No. Not even for her.
I get away, so quickly that I am sure that everyone present in the room,
except maybe Yusuke, has the feeling that I vanished before their eyes.
I don't look at the coffin before disappearing; it is not necessary. That
pale face is forever, painfully carved into my memory. I don't need to
look at it one last time.
Those eyes... those eyes will never open again, will never look at me
with a teasing shine dancing in the jade iris... never more his warm smile
directed only at me; the kindness, the love that I never thought of find
in this lonely existence...
The whole world becomes an indistinct blur as I run through the darkness,
my cloak fluttering behind me, my sword oscillating at my side, beating
towards my body. My throat is blocked, I can barely breathe. I run, blindly,
leaving behind me a trail of tear gems, my vision shaded, my heart seeming
to want to explode from the pain inside my chest.
A horrible sound escapes from my lips; a desperate and insane cry ululates
through the night like the lament of a wandering ghost who doens't want
to die. I cry his name countless times loosing all control. I am not aware
of myself, all that exists is only pain, despair, anguish, the feeling
of loss. The smashing emptiness that will be never filled up again... I
feel I am falling into darkness, and pray for this to be the end of suffering,
the end of everything.
Underneath me there seems to be nothing, and I fall, feeling impotent
against this avalanche of emotions that are exterminating what remains
of sanity in me. I keep on screaming Kurama's name, and the sound of my
howling echoes through the cold obscurity around me... closing my eyes,
I surrender to the fall...
I am being shaken, and someone is calling my name, insistently. I open
my eyes, irritated, furious with whoever is not letting me die in peace.
The first thing I see is Kurama's alarmed face. He is holding my shoulders,
and great relief pervades his face when I finally wake up.
"Hiei! ... Thank Goodness you woke up... what terrible nightmare was
that? I almost couldn't wake you up!" He looks at me, worried, his hands
rise up to my face, wet by the tears. I am too confused to say anything,
but I can still feel the sobs remaining from the dream escaping from my
throat. He notices that, and his concerned expression deepens; he pulls
me between his arms, stroking my hair.
I am still under the effects of the dream... and because of that I let
the tears run feely, doing nothing to stop them. Kurama doesn't say anything,
he just holds me tightly, and I hold fast to him, feeling relief mixed
with pain at being again between his arms, yet not believing that all of
that was just a stupid dream... but, if now it's a false dream? At any
moment I will wake up, back again to the despair of before, running through
the night, crossing the emptiness... This thought incites more tears, and
Kurama's hold renews; somehow, the Youko seems to understand that I don't
need any words right now, just his presence, his firm embrace.
Slowly, I calm down, and my tears begin to fade away. However, I remain
cuddled between his arms, eyes closed. A spark of rage lights weakly inside
my chest. What the hell kind of a dream was this? What stupid trick has
my subconscious played with me?
My mind lightens up, and still with my eyes closed, I begin to remember.
I am in his bed, in his room. His parents and brother are away, on a trip.
Kurama took advantage of this situation to prepare me a delicious dinner,
and after that, we made love, and slept, holding one to another together.
And then, this tricky dream. And seeming so real...
I open my eyes, and free myself from his embrace to look at him. His
face is still worried, but he gives me a little smile, and his warm and
soft lips come closer to mine, carefully, in a light kiss. I close my eyes
again, submitting totally to the sensations that begin to take over my
body. My heart accelerates, this time with excitation, not despair anymore.
With his caresses and touches he manages to somehow remove the remaining
vestiges of the dream while our bodies become one, our groans and sighs
melting together into only one breath, only one need... until the final
explosion, which leaves us out of breath and exhausted, our legs interlaced,
our arms around each other, our skin wet with our sweat.
My head rests upon Kurama's chest and I let out a satisfied sigh. I
reach out one arm over his waist and I accommodate myself more comfortably,
feeling his hand trace little circles on my hair.
The nightmare has become a distant shadow now; its clammy, cold claws
can't affect me anymore.
However, deep inside my soul, I almost can hear my own afflicted screams,
locked as I was in a trap of my own mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying
to expel these last sequels from my mind. One day, maybe, I will be able
to do that.
The room is wrapped in total silence. I have the feeling that the most
lightest sound will make it shatter, like it is some thin glass wall. Kurama
probably has the same feeling, because he says nothing; It is not typical
of him, this talking fox, to be quiet for more than some minutes.
It is weird. I am not feeling ashamed about the moment of weakness that
I have shown so openly. In the light of so many weaknesses that I have
demonstrated in front of him, this one is just one more to join the list.
My own decision of staying with him is the biggest weakness of all. I should
feel regret, but I don't. All I want now is remain like this: by his side,
inhaling his scent, feeling the touch of his skin, the herbal aroma of
his hair... Yes, this could be paradise, if that existed.
I am almost falling asleep when his soft voice calling my name brings
me back, and I open my eyes slowly, turn my head so I can look at him.
"Hiei... what were you dreaming about?" He asks me gently.
"I don't remember." I mutter, avoiding his face, wanting with that to
finish this subject. Of course he doesn't buy it, but pretends to believe,
and intensifies his hold around my body. More minutes of silence pass,
until he speaks again, in a whisper.
"Hiei..."
"Hn..." I let escape a sound of exasperation, closing my eyes. No, I
think, of course he won't give up this easily.
"You were saying my name while you were dreaming..." he is picking his
words carefully, so as not to disturb me, but it's too late. I begin to
feel my irritation growing. It will not take too long until something rough
escapes from my lips, and he knows it, but still...
"Actually," he continues, "you were screaming my name... if Kaasan and
the others were home, they would have entered my room immediately..."
"Well, I am sorry for being a embarrassment for you and your ningen
family..." I growl, taking refuge in sarcasm, suddenly getting away from
him, sitting on the bed, far from his welcoming hold.
"Hiei, please... don't be like that. That's not what I mean. It's just
that... I am worried."
I say nothing, sitting in the bed's edge, turning my back to him. I
know that he expects me to tell the truth, but I am so reluctant to open
more of myself to him... like it was possible, after everything that happened
between us. But habits of a whole life do not soon disappear, even when
there is a stubborn fox ready to change them.
Kurama stirs in the bed, and I feel him getting closer. His arms wrap
me, he hides his face on my neck, pulling out of me an involuntary chill
when his breath touches my skin. I remain still.
"Were you dreaming about my death, Hiei?" He asks in a low voice against
my ear. I swear internally. Is it possible that I had become so transparent?
Am I able to hide anything from him? Speechless, I just nod, admitting
finally what I had been trying so hard to deny. He makes me turn to him,
and gently takes my face in his hands, forcing me to face him.
"Hiei, when the moment of Minamino Shuuichi's death comes, and this
body dies, my spirit will go back to Youko-Kurama's form, in Makai" His
finger traces my lips, softly. "We will be together there, then."
"I know it." I affirm simply, like there was no stressed sensation and
despair in the dream, like it was nothing, to be drowning in pain when
looking at that face forever still, to those eyes forever shut... yes,
of course I know that Minamino's death doesn't mean Kurama's real death.
It will only be a returning to his original Youko form... but in the nightmare,
this simple fact didn't help me at all. This knowledge didn't stop the
pain which arose from looking at his motionless body... I almost shiver
when remembering that, and I look down, but he raises up my chin again.
His expression is serious, but his eyes are kind.
"So... there is no reason to worry, right?"
"I'm not worried." I declare, without much conviction. He smiles, and
kisses me lightly on my forehead.
"That's good. No more silly dreams, ok?"
I just shrug, perfectly aware that I am fooling no one with my careless
facade, but as always, he agrees to join my game, and doesn't insist. His
arms hold me again and I abandon myself in them, and he pulls me back to
his side on the bed, and extends the blanket over us, his eyes almost closing
in sleepiness.
"Good night, koibito..." he murmurs, in a whisper, falling asleep almost
immediately after that. I remain awake, rocked by the up and down motions
of his breathing, listening to the sound of the wind whipping the tree
branches outside.
I don't want to sleep right now. Actually, I am totally alert, and some
anxiety rises inside me, bringing me to free myself from Kurama's sleeping
embrace and get up off the bed. I dress quickly and get to the window,
examining the full moon night; the moonlight spreading its pale rays all
over the room, creating a soft penumbra.
I have to get out. Which I do, then, in a fast jump through the tree
branches.
In minutes, I am at the top of a building in the middle of the city,
and looking down, I loose some moments to behold the sleeping city. There
are not many lights on, but if there is somebody awake on the streets,
he certainly can't see me, camouflaged by the darkness of the night behind
me.
I begin to think in reflect upon the strange and stupid dream which
managed to destroy all my arduously learned self-control. A silly dream,
like Kurama said, but still quite revealing... Have I anytime ever
stopped to think about the depth of the feeling I have for that stubborn
fox? I depend on him so much... as I never thought I would depend on anyone.
I would never admit that, but it doesn't alter the fact that I am so bonded
to him, that my own unconscious mind worries about his death, even if it
is only the death of his current body, not his real death... creating this
disturbing dream that was able to drag me out of my always so superior
"I-don't-care-for-anybody-or-anything" attitude.
I breathe in deeply.
I finally return home... weird, since when I have ever had a "home"?
Your home is between his arms... always was and always will be, a voice
in my mind reminds me, and I agree with myself. That is true... as a human
or as a Youko, I belong to him; there is no turning back anymore. Only
the future... and there will be no trucks out of control... I will make
sure of that, keeping an eye on him. Just in case...
When I come back to his room, he is waiting for me, awake, but there
is no censure in his eyes; he welcomes me with a affectionate smile; his
eyes are bright and warm, and like always his arms open up to receive me...
I cuddle between them without reservations.
I finally fall asleep, with my face resting on his chest, my fingers
interlaced in a strand of his silky hair. I have another dream... but this
one is different.
I find myself alone, in the middle of a fog. I can hear strange sounds
far away... I know that I am in Makai, because the fog dissolves a little
and I recognize one of the many territories where I use to wander when
in Mukuro's service picking up stupid ningens that have the misfortune
of stumble through some hidden doorway between the two worlds. They are
lucky, when I find them before some other youkai does, and lead them back
to Ningenkai.
Someone approaches me. I turn around, but I am not startled, since I
have already identified the ki of the creature who approaches me with light
steps.
Only a few times have I seen Kurama in his Youko form. The tall figure
comes close to me, his long, golden eyes stare at me, up from his higher
height. He wears some white, diaphanous clothes, and his silver hair is
longer than Minamino Shuuichi's, reaching his waist. I found myself frozen
in his glance. A cold and penetrating one. Youko Kurama looks at me, and
suddenly, a warm smile spreads through his lips. I can almost see his human
face behind his Youko face. His eyes aren't cold anymore, but filled with
a kindness that I find incredibly familiar.
Without saying a word, he extends his hand to me.
I hesitate for a moment, then I take his warm hand in mine.
"Forever, koibito." he murmurs, and his slender Youko arms envelop me.
I close my eyes.
I wake up with his strong embrace around me, and I smile without noticing
it. I know that it is true. I may not believe in many things, but I do
believe in this one: forever, we will belong to each other.
I return the embrace, and fall asleep again, this time, no more dreams.
Just the comfort feeling of his arms around me, and his soft breath touching
my face.

~ Owari ~
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Glossary:

ki: demon energy

koibito: lover

Makai: Demon world (Hell)

Ningen:

Ningenkai: Human world

Youkai: supernatural creature from Japanese folklore, a demon

Youko: mythical creature from Japanese legends, a fox demon
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Written by Lalachan, April, 1998.

Yu Yu Hakusho and its characters are property of Yoshihiro Togashi,
Fuji TV, Shueisha, Jump Comics, and Studio Pierrot.

Background music: "Dante's Prayer", by Loreena McKennitt.

Comments? Please, mail me at lalachan_yyh@yahoo.com.br
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Anguish