Mistake

BY : Artemick
Category: Yuyu Hakusho > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1320
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or its characters and make no money writing about them.

 

                "It's in Latin. But not all of it. See, here, this is Japanese. Plain modern Japanese. Almost like someone got lazy. Complacent. Let's read, shall we." He licked his fingers and turned the page. "Here. I actually marked this; it's so trite. You write: I can't stand the spirit that animates him. I wouldn't be any good to him; the partnership would be treacherous and short lived. I want to tell him – ah, here listen – "

                "Please don't – "

                A smile crept across Kaito's face. "I just want…to suck…his cock." Another boy interrupted, laughing and Kaito hushed him, reading louder. "I just want to ask him over, no other obligations. I wish I could make that offer. I think he is clean. It'd be my pleasure. I don't even want anything back. Just to make him really come, sweating. I could do it three days a week. More."

                "The hell." The head of the science club, Shinji, tilted his chin. There was another spat of laughter from the first years.

                Kaito shut the book and leaned in. Kurama was pale. "The question is, who's he writing to? The rest of this is all love letters and fantasies." He tapped the book on his knee. "Ode to cock."

                There was a moment of stillness.

                Kurama stared at him, his brows drawing together. He didn't speak.

                In that next second, Shinji shoved back his chair. The foot of it screeched against the floor.

               Kurama's eyes darted to the sound, and with that, everyone else's followed. It was incidental, a reaction to the loud noise -- but it read like speech. Tell-tale glance, a give-away. 

                Shinji's eyes widened. Half standing, he inhaled and blurted, "What are you looking at, faggot?"

                Kurama's eyes widened. He looked down and shook his head. "No. It's not – "

               One of the teachers came past the door and knocked. "Hey, what's happening in here? The bell's rung. Move, gentlemen."

               The circle of young men wavered and broke. They paced, grabbing their things, howling curses meant to make them seem big as they bolted off like hares. They tried to act like they thought adults acted. Tiny big men. Whispering, faggot, faggot, gaijin, cocksucker, as they slid out.

                The teacher waited a moment, chiding the boys lazily and herding the main clot of them down the hall.

                The room emptied except for three.

                Kaito with Kurama's lab journal, his finger tucked into the pages.

                Kurama at his desk, trying to hold still, because there was no right move. Nor word. He slowly curled his hands into one another, skin tight over his knuckles, trembling.

                Shinji was shocked that it had turned to him so suddenly. His nostrils flared, looking between them as if they'd planned it.

                Kurama's eyes met Shinji's for a second. He cleared his throat. "It's not you, Shinji."

                "It better not be me."

                "It's not."

                Shinji toppled his chair. A show. A teenage boy who didn't want to be made fun of, acting like he were a tough guy in a film. Kurama winced at the sound, watching him as Shinji shoved his face close. "I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I'll cut your balls off. Don't come near me."

                Kurama looked slowly up at him. His lip curled. "I don't intend to."

                Shinji sneered. He grabbed his bag and ran.

                "Shit," Kaito exhaled. He reached out to drop his hand on Kurama's shoulder. "That was – "

                Kurama flinched away, as if Kaito's fingers were knives. "You idiot."

                Kaito bit the inside of his cheek. He shut the book and lay it back in front of Kurama. "I'm so sorry. I knew it was yours. I just wanted to know why you were writing all the time. Then I read it, and the language was beautiful, Shu. Obscene, simple. Real. I – I…Shu?"

                Kaito swallowed, tears flowing over. He saw Kurama crying, hidden under his bangs, and it was the last thing he meant to happen.

                Kaito bent low to see his face. "I didn't know they were going to be like that."

                "You! With all your words and stories! You knew." Kurama growled, shaking with rage. His thin skin flushed. "You must have thought."

                Kaito handed the book back. "I thought it was me."

                Kurama looked at him. He looked down at the book and took it.

                "I hoped it was me."

                Kurama scoffed, wiping his face. He shoved the book into his bag between his feet.

                "I wanted it to be me. I want someone to want to touch me…God, that's stupid. That's pathetic." Kaito swallowed, lashes falling low. Tears got on his glasses. "That's juvenile, tedious, inane. I know what I look like, and I know what people think of me. But I didn't know you thought of anyone like that that! I didn't know someone our age, as smart as you are, would also want…that it was even possible. You were so clear. You're so pragmatic. What you wrote floored me. It was so honest. I never think of that…sort of thing. That explicit. It's romantic – "

                "Enough."

                "Shu."

                "I didn't share that with you."

                "Please. You know me, I thought it was romantic! I wanted to read it aloud and talk about it. I didn't think they'd come at you like that. I thought they'd see how beautiful the words were and, I don't know, be impressed. At least shut up."

                "Why would you think that?" Kurama slammed his hand on the desk, pushing up, his back to Kaito.

                "It was just so intense – "

                "These are teenagers, Kaito! They're adolescents, in prudish restrictive century. They're goddamn wolves."

                "No, but -- I thought it was beautiful enough they could see it. You're such an adult – much more…you're interested in such mature things. You wrote it so well…"

                "You're staggeringly naive." Kurama shouldered his bag. He was still moving slowly, hands trembling. "Is it any wonder that I can't risk a relationship with any of you?"

                "I thought they'd see. I read it, and I understood – "

                "You didn't think any of that. Don't lie. You acted to shame me, to put me beneath everyone where I'd be accessible to you. What did you think – that you'd announce this to the world, and they'd laugh, and then what?" Kurama sneered. A hung-over desperation from the words being stolen off his tongue, off his pen, was now making his speech breathless and acidic. "You would allow me, so graciously, to kneel at your feet, beg you to stop reading, trade you in service, while they – what, kept me from running? Why did you involve them? I have to work with these men in a year. The seniors will brief their employers before I interview. If you didn't want to trample me into the ground, what was the thought process?"

                Kaito wept, reaching up. The sobbing made his head clogged and achey. "I wasn't. I wanted you to stay long enough to listen."

                Kurama shook his head, wincing as he pressed a hand hard to the forehead. "Good bye."

                "Shuichi – "

                "Shut up!"

                "Minamino-san. Forgive me. I never had a chance to feel that, like I was being offered...I wanted to pretend it was me, and you'd like that I discovered it. I'm an idiot. I was living in a fantasyland when I choose to do that. I'm sorry. I'm just…me. And you're you. And that was too much…"

                Kurama gripped the strap of his backpack. "It was you."

"What?"

                "It was you. It was about you. It makes more sense if you read the Latin and – everything else. You can't just read a few pages in your language and expect to understand. It's clear if you read the whole thing. Obvious. Obviously, you didn't, so…anyway. It doesn't matter anymore. Don't show your face to me again. Around me, following me, sitting near me. Remember this and turn your eyes away."

                "Shu – "

                "That's how I'll know you're sorry." Kurama turned back, opening his arms in a shrug, and then spun around and walked away.

                Kaito sat down. He tried to recall the words.

                He should have kept the lab journal to himself. He could have read the whole thing if he'd just shut up. The vivid soul-flooding admissions. The calm promises of smiles and peace, lying on a lover's chest, their heartbeats against your ear. The pleasure and touch he planned, and observations of sentiment of the heart.

                Kaito would stay away. He'd do his penance.

                It wasn't malice, but it hadn't been considerate either. He'd wanted to see Minamino's face when he read those things aloud to him. He'd wanted to see him stripped before their class, where Minamino was always showing him up; he wanted to see the ice crack; he wanted to see Minamino blush. Violated. That was the truth. He saw it as conquering; Minaminoi felt it was shattering.

                That was why he just stumbled over, all snide, immediately after he'd found the book and read the Japanese bits. Idiot. He wanted to say those sparking, scalding sentences back to Kurama while looking him in the eye. He knew Kurama would try to get out of it. Kaito wanted him pinned down, in public, where he couldn't leave. He wanted Kurama to realize that Kaito understood his lust and passion, shared it, wanted everything in the book just as much. Their souls would touch.

                This, now. What a nightmare.

                Kaito let out a breath, jiggling his leg. He laced his fingers, resting his head on the tips of his thumbs. He left half-moon fingernail marks in his hairline, the thin skin of his forehead.

                He would stay out of Kurama's way. Do his penance.

                He would learn Latin. He would read all the books in the world if it got him back to that one.

 

--

Thank you for reading, and thank you so much to the reviewers for your thoughts! So many of you (nice to meet you, Heidi!) took time to write thoughtful, interesting critiques – I'm so grateful. It is helpful. It is convincing. It changes how I think and hopefully improves my writing. If you'd like a response, give an email and I'll answer.

(Heidi, re: your fascinating overview-review – good point on the semes (...but don't we all get a little OOC when the sex starts? Hah...). But seriously, I'll look into this habit of…sexual aggression as a conflict generating plot device getting shoehorned into an inappropriate personalities…since that is cheating, isn't it? Let me know if you'd be up to beta for the character consistency you mentioned.

Re: reading under duress -- yup. I look at things I've written and am horrified at what came out of my brain. You have my sympathy. Still...writing catharsis is healthier than bumping coke, and hopefully more entertaining for the rest of you.

I've got a few pieces with more consent sprinkles in the works. Maybe more up your alley?

Thanks for the excellent analytical comment!)

xxx ~A



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